Matt is the child I never thought I would have in so many ways. Just a few short years ago I never would have believed that I would be married or go through the experience of a pregnancy and giving birth. Yet throughout my 20's, I remember giving a few seconds here and there to wondering what life would look like if I were a mom.
I am confident that most women had some expectation of what motherhood would be like for them at some point in their pre-motherhood lives. Before there was a pregnancy, before there was an adoption journey, before there was a child becoming a "twinkle" in their eye, a woman gives some thought as to what kind of mother she will be.
These thoughts come into our minds from different directions:
- our experiences with our own mother and grandmother(s)
- the relationships shared with a younger cousin, neice or nephew
- the experiences we've had tending to younger children
- observing others in their mothering styles (and critiquing them along the way...)
When I consider the internal reaction, the feelings I battled, the thoughts that shot back and forth in my mind the moment I realized I was pregnant - that was the beginning of the realization that I really hadn't put enough effort into dreaming about the mom that I desired to be.
A disillusionment of what pregnancy would be like, too much trust placed in the staff at the OB's office, the harsh reality that my discomfort could have been prevented had I just been a little more demanding, a rush to the hospital in the early morning with back labor and all kinds of fear of what lay ahead for me in the operating room, the longest 4-hour wait of my life with no meds and all kinds of pain.
Then, there was Matt.A brief glance at his puffy little face attached to a body wrapped up tight in a swaddling blanket. A kiss. Then more waiting, more wondering, more worrying.
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