The sleepless year

When I think of the first year with my first child, I can not help but think of one word: sleep.

The next thought that comes to my mind is "How did I survive that first year and still be in my right mind?"

During my pregnancy there was only one book that was considered "recommended reading" and I devoured it. What to Expect When You're Expecting only focused on one big subject: the pregnancy. Of course a pregnancy is a big deal, no doubt about it. Getting some insight into what can be expected of each phase of gestation can be a comfort to the anxious mother-to-be.

But guess what? Last I checked, a pregnancy is only about 9 months long. The next step beyond pregnancy lasts a heck of a lot longer than a few months and you do not have the time or energy to devour books any longer. Rather than guiding me towards books about pregnancy, I would have really appreciated early childhood development book recommendations. Granted, I probably would not have jumped at the chance to read about the first 6 months of a child's life because I no doubt would have thought the "challenge" of raising a child wouldn't come until they were at least three years old. You know, when that whiny phase starts.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of obvious how truly inadequate my knowledge was about kids up to that point.

Matt did not sleep more than 10 hours in a 24-hour period until he was nearly 8 months old. Those 10 hours were never sequential. Ever. His "naps" were 15 minute bursts of rest, then those big blue eyes would pop open for hours at a time. He was 4 months old and not closing his eyes for the "night" until Midnight. That's when I first started to think something was "wrong"...an hour (or less) he would be back to awake mode for at least 30 minutes, then off to sleep for 45 minutes, then awake, then asleep.

Then morning. Over and over, day after day, night after night.

I began asking questions of other moms about the lack of sleep all of us were getting and most moms seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. While their little ones weren't necessarily sleeping through the night at an early age, they were at least taking their regularly scheduled naps and were sleeping for several hours at a time.

Mercifully, a number of books were recommended and I purchased or borrowed all of them. Then I read all of them. Every single book. Challenging? To say the least. Necessary? Absolutely!

My struggle with gentleness began to rear its ugly head during those agonizingly long nights with my little guy. I began to have a much deeper compassion and understanding for those parents who had no support, who had to work long hours, who struggled to pay the bills.

Raising a child in any circumstance has it's challenges and while I didn't have to struggle to make ends meet every day, I could only imagine how my gentleness towards my child would be affected if I did.

Preparation

One of the strongest statements that stuck with me from my high school years was "Live your life as though you will be married."

Meaning, the decisions we make in life, the people we associate with, the words we say and the hearts we affect, it's all important. It's someone else's eventual spouse. You don't know the "when" or the "who" of marriage yet, but the probability that a kid in high school will someday be married is high in comparison to one who will not be married.

I wish the same had been told to me when it came to Motherhood. I think I had the notion that Motherhood begins the moment I was blessed with a child of my own, when in reality, it's a preparation that is ongoing throughout your life.

I remember when we were "ready" to get pregnant. There was anticipation, hope, and wondering in the dailyness of our lives. Yet for both my husband and I, when we both realized that the markings on the home pregnancy test meant I was undoubtedly pregnant, there were polar-opposite feelings. We put on the face of excitement for others, but for about that first month I distinctly remember thinking, "What on earth have we done?!?"

There was no going back. Our lives were irreversibly forever changed from that moment on. Instead of feelings of elation we felt like a hammer of sorts had come down on our wedded bliss and a humongous chasm of "unknown" lay before us.

I remember thinking the pregnancy wouldn't really affect our daily lives until the 7th month or so. Seriously. That's how unprepared I was! A human life was growing, developing, being created inside my body and I believed there would not be any radical changes until I was practically ready to give birth.

The nausea hit me hard at 7 weeks and did not let up until I was nearly 6 months pregnant. The relief arrived in the form of an anti-emetic drug that had to be administered through an IV, along with countless bags of fluid to replenish my dehydrated state of being.

That first child of mine most definitely affected me in ways I was not prepared for from the moment I became aware of his existence.

Inspiration

My biggest inspiration in this desire to becoming a gentler person has come from my 4 year old son. We'll call him "Matt".

Matt is the child I never thought I would have in so many ways. Just a few short years ago I never would have believed that I would be married or go through the experience of a pregnancy and giving birth. Yet throughout my 20's, I remember giving a few seconds here and there to wondering what life would look like if I were a mom.

I am confident that most women had some expectation of what motherhood would be like for them at some point in their pre-motherhood lives. Before there was a pregnancy, before there was an adoption journey, before there was a child becoming a "twinkle" in their eye, a woman gives some thought as to what kind of mother she will be.

These thoughts come into our minds from different directions:

• our experiences with our own mother and grandmother(s)
• the relationships shared with a younger cousin, neice or nephew
• the experiences we've had tending to younger children
• observing others in their mothering styles (and critiquing them along the way...)

Those were the strongest areas of thoughts when I considered ME as a MOM.

When I consider the internal reaction, the feelings I battled, the thoughts that shot back and forth in my mind the moment I realized I was pregnant - that was the beginning of the realization that I really hadn't put enough effort into dreaming about the mom that I desired to be.

A disillusionment of what pregnancy would be like, too much trust placed in the staff at the OB's office, the harsh reality that my discomfort could have been prevented had I just been a little more demanding, a rush to the hospital in the early morning with back labor and all kinds of fear of what lay ahead for me in the operating room, the longest 4-hour wait of my life with no meds and all kinds of pain.

Then, there was Matt.

A brief glance at his puffy little face attached to a body wrapped up tight in a swaddling blanket. A kiss. Then more waiting, more wondering, more worrying.

Why gentleness and why now?

I've been a mom for over 4 years. I've been married for over 6 years. I had 9 different roommates in 10 years. I had 11 different jobs with countless co-workers before leaving the workforce to raise my children.

Throughout all of those different vocations and relationships, I never pursued gentleness.

And it showed.

I was friendly. I was kind. I was loving. I was encouraging, funny, opinionated.

Of course none of those things are negative and I have no intention of eliminating any of them.

I simply long for my children to see gentleness when they see me. For gentleness to be evident. My hope is that gentleness will then be more evident in my children.

The time is now because the stress and strain that comes from not being gentle does not bring peace. It does not bring hope.

Let the pursuit begin!